1. |
new recording 3
03:02
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i watched you paint flowers on his arms
and felt it as the ink sank down to his heart
i’ll just sit on the sidelines, remember a time when you were all mine
i’ll just water my own now, i’ll watch them bloom from my own grounds
'cause i’ve been trying to be a better person
not take shit out on the people that don’t deserve it
but it’s hard when you’re handing me ammunition
it’s hard when you’re making my head spin
and i’ll fall back into my little cycles
but i’ll keep pushing forward all on my own
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2. |
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i’m trying to learn the difference between love and codependence
and why it makes my insides ache
and i can’t tell if you’re something i need or the feeling that i should shake
i need to start being honest with myself
and how i feel
maybe if i tell myself that i’m doing fine
you would stick around and wouldn’t mind me feeling so low
i’m trying to stop focusing on the bad parts of my head
because i know how it feels to be on the receiving end of it
i need to start taking care of myself
and how i feel
maybe if i tell myself that i’m doing fine
you would stick around and wouldn’t mind me feeling so low
it gets so fucking old and i’m getting too old
i’m bitter now, but one day i won’t be
i’ll be sitting at a party, laughing while you’re smiling it’s all…
and i’m angry now but one day i won’t be
i’ll be holding your hand, swearing i’m happy
i’m happy, i’m happy, i’m happy, i’m home.
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3. |
cough
02:47
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i’m looking at pictures of places that i’ll never be
and i’m waiting, trying to do it patiently
maybe you won’t notice i need you to help me breathe
maybe you won’t notice i need you more than you need me
sorry i’m so lazy, i’ve felt like i’m asleep for weeks
thought i was changing, it seems too far out of reach
and i’ve had a cough for five years
it won’t leave my lungs alone
i’ve been tired for five years
trying to make up for the home that you stole
that you stole back.
yeah i’m waiting,
trying to do it patiently
trying to do it patiently
tired of being patient
sorry i’m so lazy, i’ve felt like i’m asleep for weeks
thought i was changing, it seems too far out of reach
sorry i’m so lazy, so sorry i’ve been lazy
i’ve had a cough for five years
it won’t leave my lungs alone.
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4. |
asshole song
03:09
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if i was closer to you i would stay in your dark room
i would beg you to lay in bed with me all day
if i was closer to you i would take you to the movies
hold your hand and tell you sweet things, call you baby
and if i wasn’t such an asshole, i would answer all your phone calls
i’d reply to all your letters and tell you how much you really mean
but baby i’m mean unless i’m drunk
you said i’m only nice when i’m drunk, and i’m not drunk often enough
and if i hadn’t left you i’d probably still hate the sunset
i’d hate watching you get dressed and ready in the morning for school
and if i hadn’t left you i’d probably still hate me
for thinking someone like you could break me and make me feel full
but baby i’m mean unless i’m drunk
you said i’m only nice when i’m drunk, and i’m not drunk often enough
oh baby i'm mean, unless i think that i’m dying
i think that i’m dying all of the time i think that i’ll call
and fuck it all
and if i wasn’t such an asshole i would make good conversation
i would ask you how your day went like i gave a fuck about it
if i wasn’t such an asshole i would answer all your phone calls
i’d reply to all your letters and tell you how much you really mean
but you don’t
and baby i’m mean, unless i think that i’m dying
i think that i’m dying all of the time i think that i’ll call
and fuck it all.
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5. |
ciggies
01:04
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i know i should quit smoking cigarettes
but i need something to remind me of when i felt good
i’m driving past where Andrew cracked his head
on the concrete i guess he drank a little more than he should
and we were carrying each others bodies
and we just needed to love somebody
i’ll keep carrying my brothers’ bodies
if they keep dying all around me
but i’m not listening anymore
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6. |
a song for mogis
02:49
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if i didn’t have a dog i’d probably blow out my brains
yeah the lady on the radio is driving me insane
but i can’t help but think of how scared i would be
if i didn’t have somebody constantly comforting me
and i know it’s not healthy never being alone
no it’s not healthy that i’m staring at my phone
while you’re talking to me been thinking maybe i should leave
cause nobody this depressed could ever make you feel happy
and goddamn i’m almost 25
i thought i’d feel a little better a quarter through my life
spent the last ten minutes washing puke down the drain
cause i get so nervous that my stomach starts to shake
and i know my diet doesn’t help
i know i do this to myself
catching the left half up to the right side of my brain
practicing balancing acts that my body just can’t take
they say positive thinking just might help
i’ll let you know if i can think my way out of hell
and goddamn i’ll be 35
sleeping in somebody's basement the rest of my life
just get over it, i should just get over it
if i didn’t have a dog i’d probably blow out my brains
yeah the lady on the radio is driving me insane
and it’s not healthy never being alone
no it’s not healthy that i’m staring at my phone
spent the last ten minutes washing puke down the drain
'cause i get so nervous that my stomach starts to shake
i get so nervous that my stomach starts to shake
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7. |
fireworks
02:40
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watching fireworks on the front lawn
humming melodies to all my loved ones lost
i didn’t know it then, you put the gun to your head
and i could feel the heat roll off of my cheeks
while they burst and bloom like all of the voices in crowded rooms
made me so nervous i couldn’t speak
Well Ill just stare down at my feet for years
and years, and years
I don’t know you like I used to
We haven’t talked much since your big move out
I bet I’d be so proud, to look at you now
And I could feel the steam roll off of my teeth
All those sleepless nights out on the roof of your parents
I could’ve sworn that I’d see you soon
Could’ve sworn we were staring at the same moon that night
And I can feel the heat roll off of my cheeks
While they burst and bloom like all of the voices in crowded rooms
Made me so nervous I couldn’t speak
I’ll just stare down at my feet for years
and years, and years, god.
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8. |
dad jeans
03:28
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get my god complex from my father
nobody likes him especially my mother
i know that is the reason why
he spends his life picking such petty fights
and i know that i take after
that’s why i don’t understand your laughter
i’ll try to write it off like i’m a realist
but it’s truly optimism that i miss
and i miss
i wanna wear my suntan like warpaint when i was a kid
hanging out on the weekends
i wanna feel good and love all of my friends
but i’m hiding out in isolation again and again and again
and i fear that i’m just too tired
whole world feels like it’s on fire
and i’m going down without a fight
a slave to time and all it’s poisons and all its plight
'cause there is no running away now
and i’m stuck singing to the same crowd
try to tell myself i feel just fine
but what i really need is a little time, a little time, a little
i wanna wear my suntan like warpaint when i was a kid
hanging out on the weekends
i wanna feel good and love all of my friends
but i’m hiding out in isolation again and again and again
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9. |
motions
03:52
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when fall hits i’ll shed my leaves
and everybody will see
my bones are barely carrying me
i know we don’t talk the way we used to
i think it has a lot to do
with me getting used to you
and all the motions of everything
i wanna feel emotions the way i did when it was “fuck everything, i’m 17.”
oh, oh, i found another bad side of myself
so i’ll wrestle it back down to hell
and oh, oh, i know it’s not polite to say how i feel
so i’ll bite my tongue and walk it off
and i’ll repeat whatever mantras i need
to stay alive, try to make something
of all the motions of you and me
i wanna be the ocean and make you think fuck everything you’re 17
and oh, oh, i found another bad side of myself
so i’ll wrestle it back down to hell
and oh, oh, i know it’s not polite to say how i feel
so i’ll bite my tongue and walk it off
and i could lay here for the rest of my life
alone on this couch, but would it be right
would i feel right?
and oh, oh, i found another bad side of myself
so i’ll wrestle it back down to hell
and oh, oh, i know it’s not polite to say how i feel
so i’ll bite my tongue and walk it off
oh, i’ll bite my tongue and walk it off
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10. |
healthy living
02:32
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my psychiatrist thinks i should try healthy living
but i just wanna sleep all day, no i don’t wanna do anything
and i’ve been trying to find some words to rely on
but man, i’m just falling down pressing my face into the ground
and i’ll say it one time, laughing at my face
say it two times i’m punching my way out
i’m trying to find my way back to where i started
when i had more fun and a couple good friends
ah, shit.
stop taking my pills start self medicating
i know it’s not good advice, you can’t stay high all the time
i’ve gotta be the bigger person even though i hate it
so now i’m just turning cheeks, you’re making me grind my teeth
and i’m working on coming to terms with myself
(i promise)
but i do it in a way that’s sort of violent
and i know that doesn’t help, oh god please someone help, anybody help
i’m singing “da da da da da da da da da da”
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11. |
better off dead
03:41
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i fucked it all up in my head
should’ve cleaned myself up but i think i might be better off dead
i might be better off
sitting alone at a stoplight, put out my cigarette in an overflowing ashtray
while trash is piling up in my passenger seat, i don’t think i want anybody sitting next to me
and how am i supposed to make you proud when i don’t care about anything
oh, how am i supposed to make you proud? i’ve been messing up everything
i fucked it all up in my head
should’ve cleaned myself up but i think i might be better off dead
rather than fucking you up in the head
i know i’m no good but i’m trying really hard to pretend
trying hard to sink in, trying hard to fit, trying hard to make sense
of how i feel, what it means, what i could do to make anyone want to stay with me
'cause it gets hard when i’ve been trying to please just myself for the past ten years i didn’t care what they thought of me
and how does one make themselves proud when they don’t care about anything
oh, how do i make myself proud when i’ve been messing up everything
i fucked it all up in my head
should’ve cleaned myself up but i think i might be better off dead
i might be better off dead.
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12. |
liminal space
04:41
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liminal space, you tie around my waist
saying if i really want to change
i’ll get up, get up and leave this place
but i’m not trying to solve all my problems
just want you to know that i’ve got em
so we can relate
i’ve been feeling so miserable these days
i’ve got a one way ticket and there’s no train
infinite eights
carve around my days
saying if i really want to stay
i’ll grow up, grow up and change my ways
but i’m not trying to solve all my problems
i just want you to know that i’ve got em
and i’m not trying to solve all our problems
just want you to know that we got em
yeah we’re the same
i know you’ve felt so fucking alone these days
you’ve got a one way ticket and there’s no
you’ve got a one way ticket and there’s no
i’m not trying to solve all our problems
i just want you to know that we’ve got em
and i’m not trying to solve all our problems
i just want you to know that we’re fucked.
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